Communicating effectively can be challenging. We come up against our ego when addressing something that's gone wrong, expressing what we're unhappy about, or giving feedback. Here are some guidelines rooted in Buddhist principles to help you communicate better.
Make Your Intentions Conscious
The first step is to make your intentions conscious and stay in touch with them. Why does this issue matter to you? What’s of value and importance here? Reflecting on these questions ensures your motivations are positive and clear. If you’re motivated by a desire to help rather than to score a point, your communication will likely be more effective.
Often, our physical sensations are clues to our true intentions. Tightness, hotness, or a sense of openness can give away where we stand. Listening to your inner voice can also be revealing. Is it cutting, fearful, or reasonable? By tuning into your best intentions, you can connect with your desire to help the other person.
From a Buddhist perspective, intention is everything. It’s the base from which the heart and mind work. If you’re coming from a place of goodwill, your mind will be clearer and more objective. In contrast, ill will or fear can lead to exaggeration, distortion, or judgment.
Be Honest and Direct
Honesty and directness are key to effective communication. If you obscure your message, the other person might think, “What was that about? What are they trying to say?” This isn’t fair to them. Being direct doesn’t mean being harsh or cutting; it means being honest and as clear as possible.
Be Specific
Describe what you see happening and give examples. Offer observations rather than interpretations. Observations start dialogue, whereas interpretations can shut down communication. If you come with interpretations, it suggests you’ve already come to a conclusion. Meanwhile, observations bring an opportunity to explore together what's happened.
Receiving Feedback: An Opportunity to Grow
When receiving feedback, try to see it as an opportunity to grow, even if the message isn’t perfect or accurate. Stay open and receptive, even if someone expresses themselves clunkily. Before offering solutions or advice, connect with what the other person cares about.
Listen and Mirror Back
When someone communicates with you, listen and mirror back what they say so they feel heard. Ask them to clarify if you don’t understand, and ask for examples if they haven’t provided any. Feeling heard is about connecting with our humanity and our experiences. In mediation, people often find that once they feel heard and understood, their conflicts seem less significant.
Take Time to Process
Take time to consider and process your feelings before responding. You don’t have to respond immediately. Pause and think about it. Resist the pressure to respond there and then. This simple step can allow you to respond in a more thoughtful way.